"Settled" (with myself)

December 24, 2024

A Storyteller Series

Have you ever hit a season in life when it seemed like you were somewhat lost from yourself?

Maybe, like me, you hit that mid-life point, where you realize there is more life in the rearview mirror than in the front windshield? For some reason it hit me extremely hard this year. Still not sure why, but it did. Have you been there?

I Lost Myself

No, nothing was “wrong”, but nothing felt completely “right” either. For much of 2024, this is where I have found myself. Not sure how I ended up here, as it wasn’t like I woke up one day and was “lost”. But as 2024 rolled on, it seemed for the first time, I couldn’t find my purpose or had lost what I thought my purpose was. I struggled to re-connect with myself (at 50+), found myself in what some would probably call an internal depression. Somethings just didn't feel right. Yes, I looked ok on the outside, keep doing what I've always done, still loved people, my profession and God, but something was just not the same.

I was doing all the things I had always done from work to church, a little travel, etc., but something was just a little off. I somehow, had lost myself and couldn’t, for the life of me, find myself. It was like I saw myself going through life, doing everything I was supposed to, but finding little joy along the way. I like to think of this as a season.

You see, I’ve always been very independent, which is probably why I’m still single (but that’s a series of stories for another time). I grew up the youngest of three and because my siblings were much older than me, I was somewhat like an only child. My parents were older when I was born. So, I was raised by traditionalist parents (the silent generation) who taught me incredible values, a love for God, a strong work ethic, faith, kindness, gentleness, a love for people, and that you had to earn your way in life. Nothing was given and your word was not only your bond, but it was also your legacy. Those are some good values, if I do say so myself.

Mid-Life Crisis (or Season)

I never thought a “mid-life” crisis, if you will, or this season of life, was real. I'd hear older guys talk about or wives talk about their husbands going through something, etc. Well, let me openly confess, it’s real! And it hits men differently, at different times in our lives. Can’t say much about how it affects ladies, but for men, it can be tough.

You go through some crazy shit mentally, physically, emotionally, socially and the list goes on. Nothing feels right, the things that once brought you fulfilment and purpose no longer seem to do the same. Your career is no longer as fulfilling, yet you are still 100% committed to it, your dating life is non-existent (or sucks), yet you find yourself busier than you’ve been, involved in more groups, etc., than before, pushing yourself to be better and connect with more people and yet, you are lost, well at least, lost from yourself. I would find myself in a room of people, yet alone.  I was in the moment, but once the moment was gone, I was lost again.

As a professional, I found myself not liking my career profession. Don’t get me wrong, I’m privileged to work for a great organization and love the people I work with, but HR management, which I have done for well over 20+ years was no longer fulfilling. At times, I wanted to completely walk away from the profession and do something completely different. But what?

Music, which I have always loved, seemed distant. I’d find myself going to concerts and shows, and while I’d enjoy the moment for the moment, I didn’t find the same joy as I once did.

For example, in late fall, I attended a Cyndi Lauper concert in Nashville and absolutely loved it. It was like being back in 1986, from the songs, the music, the outfits of the audience, etc., I had a great time, but then I had to drive home back to Huntsville. The moment was gone, and I found my both wanting to get home, yet dreading to go back home, alone, simply because it was back to “real life”.

Then the physical health stuff started. I’ve had more medical tests in 2024 than in my entire adult life combined. From numerous medical tests, etc., and at one point I was told I had the signs and symptoms of MS. What the heck? Where did that come from? Talk about something that shakes you especially when you’re already somewhat disconnected from yourself. And to top it off, I found myself challenged to concentrate, focus, and remember stuff. I got in my own head, and I started thinking every little thing was some disease, such as MS. No, I don’t have MS (praise God), but that entire experience shook me.

I found myself being very anxious, for no reason at all, just nervous and anxious. Nothing was wrong, but I couldn’t enjoy the moment, for my mind was already thinking ahead about the next thing I had to do, and the next, like having to drive back home from a concert in Nashville, or worried about my A/C unit at home, or worried about something related to work, etc. Of course, I knew deep down, worry never fixed anything and only robes you of peace.

A Re-Connection

Throughout 2024 I tried to find myself. I went to Washington D.C. with friends, took a solo cruise, and various other trips, and while I had an incredible time on each trip, at the end of each, I'd find myself once again feeling disconnected.

In the fall, I decided to take trip a solo weekend trip (that’s what you do when you are single) to the mountains of north Georgia. I’m more of a mountain guy than a beach guy, most of the time. I was determined to 1) enjoy myself, 2) find myself and 3) have that “road trip talk with God”, that only comes when you get away.

While driving through the mountains of north Georgia, seeing the fall foliage, visiting fall festivals, talking to random strangers and for the first time in a long time, learning how to breathe again, I began to find myself, or at least this 50+ version of myself. I recall being in Dahlonega, GA, at "Gold Rush" days, and suddenly realizing I'm not worried about the drive home, or the next day, etc. It was like a switch flipped and I began to reconnect with me, the me that was always there.

Yes, God and I had some long talks across those 800 miles, moments of a lot of tears, forgiveness and yes, repentance. I think most men would agree, at times in life, you have to "level up" with yourself.

Settled

But something happened in late fall, I woke up one day and felt lead to visit a church I had not been a part of in several years. I walked into the 8am service at Church of the Highland’s new Huntsville campus. And on this day, they were starting a new series titled, “The Fruit of the Spirit”.

I've always been in church, and I had been attending the Rock Family Worship Center for the last 5 years or so, but never really connected. The Rock is an incredible church, but for this season of my life, I felt I needed a change.

The series did something for me, it helped me begin to reconnect with myself. Through this, I learned “Joy” is now. No, not tomorrow, not next week, or when we have "it" all together, but now. This has been a game changer for me.

Here's a few lessons learned that helped me re-connect:

"Joy is Now"

"Patience is our pathway to maturity"

"Peace isn't found in the absence, it's found in presence"

"Kindness = forgiveness"

"Faithfulness begins and ends with God"

Gentleness = "Strength under control"

Self-Control - What I ought to do= what I want to do."

And coming out of that series, the word “Settled” began to resonate in my spirit. Not “settling”, but “settled”. Settled is the past tense or completed version.

What Does Settled Mean?

I’m still working through re-connecting with myself. While not all guys (and possibly ladies too) will go through something like this, I’m convinced, after to talking to many men my age and older who have experienced the same, we all go through some type of mid-life transition at some point in our life, if not more than once.

While not all individuals lose connection with themselves on some levels, as I describe it, we find ourselves seeking greater purpose, not necessarily more things or more responsibility, but deeper purpose, greater depth in our faith, a greater appreciation of life, a deeper appreciation for our next breath and realize there is more purpose in every moment. God didn’t make a mistake in the journey.

I Was on The List to Get Up Today

One morning, at my favorite breakfast spot (Chick-fil-A), I was chatting with the young lady taking my order and I asked her, “Are you having a good morning?” and she looked up, smiled and said, “I’m having a great morning, I was on the list to get up today”. I walked out of that restaurant got in my truck and cried like a baby, having experienced “a God moment”, a reminder of why we are here, and that our existence and next breath is a “gift”. Yes, I too was on the list to get up today.

Something Is Different

Recently a dear friend said to me, “something is different about you”. He went on to say, you just seem different, like you are more at peace, and less anxious. I shared with him the word that has been in my spirit for the last several weeks is “Settled”. God used my friend that day, to confirm what I already knew. Sometimes you need to hear it from someone else to confirm it within yourself.

Next Chapter…Maybe You Can Relate

I’m not sure what the next chapter holds, but I know it will be new and different than the previous. Different in what ways, I’m not sure, but different. Will I wake up one day, quit my job, move to the Caribbean and start a new life? I don’t think so, I don't roll that way. But I do know, things will be different, at least within myself.

Love Jesus, Like Bourbon and Cuss a Little

Let me leave you with this. Sometimes it's just good to be real with yourself. I don’t have it all figured out and probably never will. While I never forgot who I was, never lost my faith or love for life or people, love for my profession and more, I experienced that dis-connect.

Yes, I love Jesus, like bourbon and might cuss a little. You can even quote me on that one. "Love Jesus, Like Bourbon, and might Cuss a Little". That quote seems to sum it up pretty good.

Maybe you can relate?

Can you relate? Life can be challenging at times, storms will come and go, and we were not designed to do life alone. Yes, you can be happily married or partnered, or be single, have everything you think you need or want, have a great job, great friends, be plugged into church, etc., and still be lost from yourself. It’s a weird experience. It's almost like, half-way through this journey of life, you have to re-connect with yourself, to prepare yourself for the next chapter(s).

Connect

If you are reading this and have experienced this or are experiencing a similar journey, you are not alone. In fact, you are probably in the majority along with me and many just like yourself. Once you come to terms with yourself, it's what you do next that defines you. Remember, "joy" is now.

So, let me encourage you to:

1.     Find someone to connect with.

2.     Re-discover your purpose, find that spark. This is a journey not a sprint.

Yes, I still love people, love life and like a little bourbon.

I'm more convinced now of my purpose. I'm called to empower and help others live their best life.

"Discover purpose and Find Freedom"

I’m Jason Thrasher and this is BestLife50. www.bestlife50.blog